Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
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Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet