Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
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Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out