Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
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nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.