Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
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I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
can I use a minion as a tampon
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.