Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
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Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah