Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
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In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.