Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?