@GeorgeTakei: Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton's speech calling them a "basket of deplorables." The rest had to go look up "deplorable."
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@justabloodygame: [commercial for Facebook] *man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars* "Don't you wish there were a better way?"
@AristotlesNZ: Whenever I'm picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell "Come with me if you want to live!" so she knows she married pure awesomeness
@shawnspree: Friend: How many calories does heartache burn? Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.