Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
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How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.