Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
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Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
yeah 😭