Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
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Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
asked my bf how work was today
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
That’s a good costume, I hope.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport