March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
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One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.