Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
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Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
eating my hot dog hamburger style
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.