marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
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When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
What about a To-Don’t List?
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan