My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea