@bobbiejo448: Marijuana does have an adverse effect on my spelling skills. It's to the point that Google even knows when I'm high.
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@jctwritesstuff: Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It's a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
@GrantTanaka: Left work, txted wife "Coming homo." Then I txted her "Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo."
@causticbob: I said to my wife, 'Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.'' 'Bob, that's a cat.'
@CVTBaby: Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back? Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.