good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
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Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I mean…but I did
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to