When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
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Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
when you are just born a rebel
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]