I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
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Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Good morning
The Birdles
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot