How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.