*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
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Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
sin harder.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.