The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
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Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
For anyone who needs this today
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I just tested negative for patience.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you