MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
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Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more