MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
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What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
WTF IS THAT!
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving