“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
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Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too