I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
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You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.