Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
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Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
True
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up