Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
You Might Also Like
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
How to woo a woman
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.