Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus