mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
You Might Also Like
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.