Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
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INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
“our sushi is very fresh”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.