My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Lucky old June.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
step 6: release the wall snake
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”