“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
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Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.