Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
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Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed