Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
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I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I love wikipedia
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Pot warmers of the day.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.