-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
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TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Yes, but it was never about money
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.