-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
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ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
This is why I hate group projects
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.