A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
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When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”