Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
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Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*