My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
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Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
my fav colour is also hitler
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”