Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
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My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I love the National Park Service.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms