@thepunningman: Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
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@mostunladylike: He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss. And now I'm being escorted out of the opticians.
@squirrel74wkgn: [at hotel] Friend: Heard your wife last night...she's a screamer [flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed] Me: Yep, nailed her
@Parentpains: Avoid confrontations in the work place by slashing your coworker's tires while they sleep.