Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.