@Fred_Delicious: Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
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@withanewname: psychic: "I see... I see kids in your future" me: "but I've had a vasectomy" [9 months later ... me tending a goat farm] "This's bullshit"
@Jesssicle: Some of you take selfies from so close up, I'm beginning to wonder if you're a T-Rex.
@Smooheed: According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I've only had an apple for lunch but I can't throw my chair at him
@GrantTanaka: Mom: I HEARD UR SICK Me: just a cold Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA M: no I- Mom: OH GOD IT'S ZIKA M: mom- Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT M: wait, what