Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
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Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
everyone has that one prude friend
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign