@Fred_Delicious: Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
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@SteveSuckington: Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us? Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us
@DangOlWill: *Bad guy in pokemon voice* i want to end all life *after losing a fight* well fair's fair here's twenty dollars
@jordan_stratton: Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I've ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
@RunwayDan: Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you've been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.