Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
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My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
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If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar