Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.