Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
You Might Also Like
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Finally!
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”