Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
You Might Also Like
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
incredible text to wake up to
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!