Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
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I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Breaking news:
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
The USS B port
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?