[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
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Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
grotesque if literal: baby food
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.