Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
You Might Also Like
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.