Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
You Might Also Like
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Sending in my taxes
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it