Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
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Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again