Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
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Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison